I feel so helpless. What do I do?  What do I say? What's appropriate and what's not? I have so much I would like to say but just don't know how to say it. Ugh! If I could find the right moment to say what I truely feel it would be... "My heart goes out to you so much that I can't describe it in words. It pains me to know your feeling the heartache I felt and feel for your loss".

I try to think back to when I was in their place. What did people say to try to comfort me? Out of all the things people said what helped the most? I try to remember but when your going through such a difficult time... all that is a blurr. So, I've decided that maybe I just shouldn't look for words to say. Maybe it's better sometimes to just say it all with your eyes and a big sincere hug. I think back to when my dad passed away and I might not remember the words people said but I will always remember the compassion I recieved from the family and friends who showed so much love to my family.

My cousin Toni was truely a amazing, loving, caring, silly, beautiful and strong women!!! She fought her battle with cancer for 6 years and never ever gave up. I will always remember when my mother was in so much pain from a pinched nerve and Toni, suffering from cancer, took the time out to call me to tell me my mom was in her prayers and she was just calling to let her know she was thinking about her. Amazing!!! Her smile and her spirit will live on forever! She is no longer suffering, praise God, but she will always and forever be greatly missed.  I love you cousin Toni!

R.I.P. Toni Apodoca.... January 1, 2009

How many of you think this is a true statement? What if a couple breaks up and one moves on to love another and one can't quite move on? If one can't stop loving the other, well, does that make it true? Since it never went away? In other words, does it have to not go away on both ends to be "True Love"? What is true love? I often hear "When it's the one you will know". How true is that statement? I know it's true for my mother and father but how true is it for the average person?

I'm 24 years old and I look back at my life and what my wants use to be. Well, nothing has happened in my life like I wanted. I thought I would be like my mother and my mother's mother and find the "One" when I was young lose my virginity to him and he would be who I was with forever and it would be true. Boy was I wrong. I just assumed that my life would play out like their's did. I think  'What's wrong with me?". Why haven't I found someone yet. Then I think about all my friends who are 25 and 26 years old, dang, sometimes even older. I have about 5 friends who also are single and haven't found someone. I'm starting to think it's the men who are the problem.

Then there are the one's who are in a relationship. The ones who are married, been together forever and ones who just started dating. All of them have there problems and the one's that don't appear to have problems seem to me to just be hiding what's really going on. The bottom line is relationships and love are just mind blowing right now. I feel lonely sometimes and want a relationship but then I see how difficult they could be. Which makes me not in any hurry to find someone. It will happen when it's right. I'm not worried about that at all. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I should just sit back and observe everyone else's relationship. It's alot less painful that way. Maybe I will find out what "True Love" is that way.

I now know you could love again but if you are able to love again does that take way from the love you had first? Well, since it went away does that not make the first love true? Ugh! Love is so confusing. I don't get if and I'm 24  years old! When someone says " I will always love you" but they are in love with someone else. Well, what the hell does that mean? Is it possible to love two people? Are menand women really capable of pushing past love's out of their hearts without any thought? That usually happens by finding another to love, right? Isn't that replacing someone?  Is that really healthy? Ugh! I don't know but if anyone has any answers I would love to hear them.

Till we meet Again,

Claudialexis=)

Be inspired!

Being inspired is such a powerful thing! Before yesterday I was finding myself being bored of work (I have been at the same job doing the same thing for 3 years now), bored of listening to music ( I know, how could I be bored of music but it happened) and bored of reading about as many things I could think of to google. Then I came upon a live journal intry and was amazed at this girls ablity to make me feel what she was feeling and know who she is without ever meeting her or hearing her speak. That made me remember how much I love to write. Remembering that feeling has got me feeling so inspired in all areas of my life. 

So, from today on I have decided to stay inspired. Which got me thinking... Being inspired has made me want to change so many different aspects of my life to be more positive. Positivity is aslo so amazing and contagious! If I stay inspired and challenge myself to be all I can be in all I do, maybe just maybe someone will see the positive changes in me and maybe it will inspire them. That in itself is Awesome. Life is to short to be negative and stuck. I felt stuck because I wasn't inspired. Instead I was focused on all the bad that might happen. Until I realized that I am steering my own destiny into something I don't want it to be. Like the Outkast song says " You need to get up get out and do something, How can you make it if you never even try". To think this all happened just by reading a 15 year old girls live journel. Hats off to her!

Till we meet again=)
Claudia Alexis